


i'm forced to deal with what i feel.

by fkeyouout



Series: wild violets and vanilla and cinnamon. [5]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Comfort, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Insomnia, M/M, Polyamory, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-04 05:11:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10984041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fkeyouout/pseuds/fkeyouout
Summary: in which josh can't sleep, but tyler and blurry can't sleep without him.





	i'm forced to deal with what i feel.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DeathTailOnline](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeathTailOnline/gifts).



nights always seemed to be the hardest, not just for josh, but for tyler and blurry too.

for tyler, it came in the form of consistent and recurring nightmares. ones where everything was dark and broken and the demons were inescapable, always forcing him to wake with a heart-wrenching cry; hot, salty tears brimming in his fawn-eyes and splashing down his cheeks, body shaking so forcefully that it was impossible to ignore and reducing him to a smaller, vulnerable and whimpering version of his usually confident self as he clung to blurry needily and sobbed into his chest until his eyes ran dry. 

he very rarely disclosed the contents of those nightmares in detail to either of his lovers, but josh always held his suspicions that it was because the two of them were involved somehow.

for blur, difficulties with nights came hand in hand with tyler's nightmares. the second tyler would wake with his whimpers, he'd be forced to wake too to soothe him back to sleep; rocking him quietly, peppering his damp face with comforting kisses and murmuring hushed reassurances into his hair until his breathing began to even out and his eyes began to flutter closed once more.

sometimes it would take minutes, but on particularly bad nights, the two of them could be awake for hours.

but for josh, nights particularly were the hardest thanks to his seemingly unbeatable insomnia that had frequented his life ever since his late teenage years. most of the time, it wasn't too bad in that it simply meant he was awake for a little longer than his other lovers, but on other, increasingly stressful nights, he felt as though he couldn't sleep at all. 

and on nights like that, his overactive mind was at it's worst; deep thoughts and contemplations of life swirling around his mind hauntingly as he watched tyler and blurry sleeping soundly.

tonight was one of those nights.

he peered over at tyler and blurry, as per routine, and almost felt his heart twitch painfully a little at the sight, as though it had been electrocuted or stung; the two of them were wrapped up in each other, with tyler essentially sleeping on top of the older man, pretty face tucked into the crook of his neck and their hearts beating almost directly against each other as blurry's arms looped around his tiny waist to lock the two of them together as one.

it should've been an endearing sight, one that made him smile and contemplate snapping a picture of them for safe-keeping, but it felt different this time.

different how, he wasn't sure.

slipping his legs over the edge of the bed and shuffling from beneath the sheets as quietly as possible as to not wake the two of them, josh stood with an exhausted stretch and grabbed a blanket absentmindedly tossed over the foot of the bed to wrap it around himself; padding out of the bedroom as quietly as possible and downstairs into the lounge instead to slump down onto the couch.

less chance of waking tyler and blurry up with his own restlessness if he wasn't in the room, josh supposed. 

they were better off without him there.

sleepless gaze running along the various photos of the three of them scattered across the mantle of the fireplace, illuminated slightly by the dimmed beams of streetlights peeking in through the gaps in the blinds, josh's stare caught on one in particular that he remembered taking in the garden from the first summer that they'd moved into the house; a giggling, flushed tyler with messy hair and an adoring look in his eyes hitched up on a shirtless blurry's hips, arms wrapped around his neck and his lips pressed into the older man's hair as blurry returned that same infatuated look, with an all too familiar gentle smirk of his own.

and he couldn't help but to think that same thing again.

maybe they were better off without him there.

sometimes, he wasn't even sure what he brought to this relationship.

it wasn't like the two of them would crash and burn without him, and josh knew that to be absolutely true because they'd managed perfectly fine without him before he'd became part of the picture; before he'd came along, blurry and tyler had happily lived as _just blurry and tyler,_ for over a whole year, and had apparently never faced a problem that neither of them could fix.

even now, with josh, they could still always fix each other's problems.

if tyler had a nightmare, he called for blurry, and blur would always be the one to kiss away his fears and soothe him back to sleep.

on days when tyler was feeling particularly low, and somewhat needy for attention, he seemed to be instantly drawn to blurry's side like a magnet; clinging onto him and melting into his touches as blurry stroked the small of his back and traced the lines of tyler's face softly with his thumb.

whenever blur came home from a work trip late at night with tired eyes and stress practically radiating off of him, without fail he'd climb into bed beside tyler; the brunette's dainty fingers raking through his hair soothingly and a content, languid smile quirking on his lips as he fell asleep listening to tyler ramble aimlessly in his syrupy-sweet voice.

tyler and blurry needed each other, that was a given.

but did they need josh?

"..j?"

tyler's quiet, still sleep-laced voice sounded from behind him as an interruption to his thoughts; gaze instantly flickering over to where he was stood in the doorway, pretty fawn-eyes fluttering tiredly as he rubbed at them and a silent yawn being drawn from his lips. "why aren't you in bed?"

just another case of him disrupting tyler and blurry. 

"couldn't sleep," josh shrugged, another pang of guilt washing over him at the fact that he'd somehow woken tyler up too.  

"have you taken one of your sleeping tablets?" he asked, slowly padding across the carpeted floor with another almost inaudible yawn to hover behind the couch, one hand resting just beside josh's shoulder. 

josh simply shook his head in response.

those tablets were the worst; maybe they did work most of the time with actually defeating his insomnia night by night, but they probably weren't worth it for the side-effects that came as part of the aftermath. 

crankiness, increased irritability, loss of focus.

just another barrier that'd seemingly push tyler and blur closer to each other, and further away from him.

"josh, you know what the doctor said," tyler sighed, voice still hushed and the tips of his delicate fingers brushing across josh's upper arm, "y'gotta take them regularly or you're gonna end up burning yourself out."

curling away from the touch and further into the couch cushions, josh murmured quietly, "m'fine. s'fine, ty. just go back to blur."

both a faint frown tugging at his lips and eyebrows furrowing in confusion at the josh's unusually, somewhat cold demeanour, tyler shuffled to settle beside the blue-haired boy in ignorance of his request; gaze focused on his lover's exhausted face. "j.. what's wrong? and don't say you're jus' tired 'cause i know it's not jus' that."

"go back to bed with b."

"no," tyler huffed, voice raised every so slightly as his furrowed eyebrows of confusion turned to ones of stress instead. "i wanna stay with you, or i want you to come back to bed w'me. i wanna be with you."

apparently, josh's mimicked huff dripping with sarcastic undertones was more than enough to expose the anxiety-ridden thoughts infesting his mind.

_god damn._

he always cursed himself on his inability to disguise his feelings well.

pretty face dropping and washing over with a hurt expression in a way that tugged harshly at his heartstrings, tyler whispered "is it me? something i did? j.. please tell me."

"it's just.." he began, low and rough with a bite of his lip, "why _do_ you wanna be with me, ty? why do _either of you_ want to be with me? i mean.. you've got each other. you had each other, and were happy together before you met me. b's the one that looks after you when something is wrong, he's the one who can comfort you best. you're the one he gravitates towards for.. _everything.._ why do you need me?"

"you can't be serious."

"m'pretty serious, ty."

 _"baby.."_ tyler whispered brokenly, with his shiny fawn-eyes the epitome of sadness with their pained glaze and frown lines peeking at the corners as he shuffled forward to settle onto josh's lap; one dainty hand cupping his face and guiding it upwards to connect their gazes in the darkened room and the other stroking through his dyed hair in a habit that'd been picked up right at the start of their relationship. "how can you think that i don't need you?"

josh debated answering the seemingly rhetorical question, but was silenced anyway when tyler continued softly.

"i need you, more than anythin'. you _and_ blurry, _both_ of you, are everythin' to me, j.. _sure,_ b does a lot of stuff for me when my anxiety or nightmares are kicking my ass but.. that's just 'cause it's his instinct. not because you _can't_ do it. 'cause you can, joshie, and you do it every time blur isn't here. you do it without even noticing, 'cause just being around you is enough to help me. you're my best friend, josh, and you do so many things f'me that i'd never be able to write them all down."

"ty.."

"don't," tyler hushed, his thumb swiping across josh's cheekbone tenderly. "i love those tiny kisses that you give me every morning to wake me up, on the back of my neck and across my shoulders. i love the way you help me fall asleep by tracing patterns on my back and whisperin' how much you love me, even if it means staying awake for the longest time with me. i love that when we're out and i'm having one of my bad days, i don't even have to say anything and you instantly start doing the stuff that y'know i struggle with. you know how to push me in a positive way, but always know when to step in and take over when it starts to become too much."

"you do so much for me, and you don't even realise it, j," he affirmed, closing the minuscule gap between them to rest his forehead against josh's own, "i want you, and i need you. _'cause i love you,_ so much. and blur does too.. i wish you could hear the way he talks about you to me sometimes."

"don' go makin' me sound all soft now, pup," blurry hummed from where he'd appeared in the doorway, voice raspy with sleepiness and a slow smirk twitching at his lips as their gazes darted to him instantaneously. 

somehow, josh could never not mirror blurry's smile.

a light flush that went unnoticeable in the darkness of the lounge painting his cheeks, josh murmured "sorry for waking you up, b."

"wouldn' have been able t'sleep if y'weren't next t'me anyway, kitten," blurry dismissed as he lazily strolled over to the two of them, warm arms wrapping around josh from behind and his lips instantly pressing into his fading blue hair with a kiss.

and damn, it was impossible to not instantly melt into the older man's touch.

it made sense that tyler craved blurry's touch when he was stressed out.

"j thinks we don't need him," tyler pouted, fingers still scratching josh's scalp softly with each brush through of his messy hair.

blur made a soft grunt of acknowledgement, having already heard the majority of their conversation, and tutted against josh's temple. "then joshie's silly, 'cause we couldn' live w'thout him and he shoul' know that already."

"'m serious, kid," blurry continued as his attention zoned in fully on josh, voice still muffled against his skin and sending shivers down his spine. "wouldn' be th'same without ya. we wouldn' be _us.._ an' i hate th'fact that y'think you mean less t'me."

"just having a bad night.. overthinkin' and stuff, that's all," josh shrugged tiredly, eyes fluttering shut under the soft touches coming at him from every angel; blurry's lips kissing his hair and his strong hands holding josh closely as tyler peppered affectionate kisses along the lines of his face, reaching down to intertwine their fingers as one.

maybe he'd been overreacting a little.

josh realised that the second their lips brushed against him, and their genuine words drowned out the bad thoughts like a tidal wave.

"jus' remember.. i love you, m'lil kitten."

"i love y'too, b."

"love you, joshie."

"love you too, ty."

and for once, tyler didn't complain about not sleeping in the middle that night.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope this lives up to what you were expecting/what you imagined!  
> thanks to anyone who reads/kudos/comments because you're amazing and love you.  
> feel free to send me anymore prompts you have ♥️


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